Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Depression hurts

Wow, intense title huh? the sad part is I am feeling really depressed today. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is try not to cry. I don't know why. I am doing good in school, but it feels like that is the only thing I have going for me right now.

I still enjoy roller derby, but I just can't keep up with my with my new team. I feel like I am letting everyone down.

I feel like I am letting Jake down, this past spring my unemployment got cut in half, yes we got the settlement from my accident, but we used it to pay bills and replace my car that was falling apart, and the bike I lost. Now that money is gone and we are back to living paycheck to paycheck.

I just feel like I am less than I was when I was working. I feel like I am no longer productive. I feel like I am a shallow shell of a person.

Why is it I can read about what others are doing, feeling, seeing, or interpreting in the events and happenings in their life and only wish I could see the same things. I have a friend who is so intuitive that she can see her life's story in songs. She can feel the emotions that the artist was feeling at the time. When I hear a song, I hear the words. The music is nice, but it's the words that I focus on.

Others can see deep meaning in a photograph or painting. What do I see? I see what the picture or painting is, a house, a tree, or a landscape. I can not see what the artist felt. I don't understand what they are trying to convey, other than it's an eye appealing picture.

And this makes me sad. I want so much to see the beauty around me, I want to feel like I can appreciate everyone I love. I want my friends and family to be proud of me because of what I do, not just because they have to or because it is socially acceptable. I am going to school and everyone is so proud of me, but why? There is no sense of accomplishment for me. In order to get a decent job, I have to go to school. I don't know, I guess the bare bones of this rant is I just feel so useless right now.


Jane said...

It gets better. I promise.

Mike Lyons said...

Don't let those artsy fartsy people make you feel inferior. Maybe they can feel what another artist felt when they wrote a song or painted a picture, but how often do you think those feelings are worth feeling? With a few select exceptions, most artists I know are the definition of "sad sacks." They are a mess!

Have you considered how many people wish they could take the time off to do something different with their lives? Enjoy the fact that you are taking steps towards a brighter future. If school allows you some extra free time, take advantage of it before it's gone.

You need a cookie. The oracle in The Matrix says that as soon as you're done eating a cookie you feel "right as rain." I'm not sure I'm telling the story right. :)