Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Depression hurts

Wow, intense title huh? the sad part is I am feeling really depressed today. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is try not to cry. I don't know why. I am doing good in school, but it feels like that is the only thing I have going for me right now.

I still enjoy roller derby, but I just can't keep up with my with my new team. I feel like I am letting everyone down.

I feel like I am letting Jake down, this past spring my unemployment got cut in half, yes we got the settlement from my accident, but we used it to pay bills and replace my car that was falling apart, and the bike I lost. Now that money is gone and we are back to living paycheck to paycheck.

I just feel like I am less than I was when I was working. I feel like I am no longer productive. I feel like I am a shallow shell of a person.

Why is it I can read about what others are doing, feeling, seeing, or interpreting in the events and happenings in their life and only wish I could see the same things. I have a friend who is so intuitive that she can see her life's story in songs. She can feel the emotions that the artist was feeling at the time. When I hear a song, I hear the words. The music is nice, but it's the words that I focus on.

Others can see deep meaning in a photograph or painting. What do I see? I see what the picture or painting is, a house, a tree, or a landscape. I can not see what the artist felt. I don't understand what they are trying to convey, other than it's an eye appealing picture.

And this makes me sad. I want so much to see the beauty around me, I want to feel like I can appreciate everyone I love. I want my friends and family to be proud of me because of what I do, not just because they have to or because it is socially acceptable. I am going to school and everyone is so proud of me, but why? There is no sense of accomplishment for me. In order to get a decent job, I have to go to school. I don't know, I guess the bare bones of this rant is I just feel so useless right now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


This is my favorite time of year. I love the cooler weather, the colors of the leaves are changing, and the apple orchard is open. I can't wait. One of my fondest memories as a child is going to the apple orchard with my family. We would go and pick our own have fresh apple cider and just have a great time outside. Well we have been lucky to find a really nice place close to us and Jake and I go every year with his mom and Bob. We go and wander around the store tasting dip samples eating apple cider doughnuts, drinking hot apple cider. Then we go to the barrels and pick up a couple of bags of apples. Not exactly the way I remember it, but it works. This year though I have conspired to bring back at least a little of that memory and hopefully I can create a new one for our god-children. In a couple of weeks our friends from the Quad Cities will be making a day trip up and we are going to take them to the orchard. We are going to pet goats, taste dip samples, eat apple cider doughnuts, pick a pumpkin or two and hopefully, just maybe, we will take a trip into the trees themselves and bring home a few apples of our choosing.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Plans bare fruit part 2

My trip started out getting on a bus in Rockford. Typical bus ride, nothing too exciting, except, this time I was flying solo. This is the first time I have taken public transportation without anyone else around. I arrived at the airport, made it through security and to my designated terminal without any help. no one held my hand and I made it safe and sound.

While sitting there waiting for the plane to arrive I saw a familiar face, though at first I couldn't place him. He was tall and lean and had very unique facial features. After I stewed for a while I finally figured out who he was, Randy Johnson. That was my celebrity sighting for the trip, and yes he got on the same flight I was on to Phoenix.

I landed in Phoenix safely then caught a puddle jumper to Yuma. The flight was uneventful, except they stuck the one person on the plane who got motion sickness right next to me. I spent the part of the flight over telegraph pass and landing trying not to hear her gagging. I have a sympathetic gag reflex and if she would have barfed, so would have I.

Once we landed I got my luggage and walked across the street to wait for my rental car. (Hint, if you want to rent a car with out paying the airport taxes, walk across the street to a gas station, or fast food joint and have the car company pick you up there.) Once I had my car I headed for mom and dad's.

From there it was a whirl wind tour of the southern part of the state, I went from Yuma to Mesa to Tucson, back to Yuma, back to Mesa, down to Tempe, then Back to Yuma. Saturday found us at the newest casino in the Yuma area. It all happened so fast and there was so much driving, it is one big sandy blur.